I did bad yesterday with my diet.. Mom came over and was really down. She told me that I should just quit having faith. Her words affect me so much. She has been out of church for a long time and she has changed for the worst.

I am fighting hard to be strong, but her words just tear me up. I love her very much, but most days it is hard for me to be around her because of her negativity.

Then I overate all day.

Today I wasn't around her and did so much better.

I know what my triggers are, now, I have to learn how to deal with them. My oldest sister and I are going to start praying everyday together. I know that will help. I will not give up. And I will lose the weight I need to lose. I will keep having faith and I will forgive Mom because I love her. Please say a prayer for her.. She is overwhelmed and almost lost her faith. And Please say a prayer for me to know how to deal with her.

xoxo Nita

I am hoping and dreaming that I get to take a few trips this Summer.

I love this song and hope you get a chance to listen to it..

Elizabeth and I had to go do some errands today and we ate dinner out.

I did pretty good with my eating. I made a conscious decision to eat healthy. I had a chance to eat fried fatty foods, but choose grilled salmon with wild rice and broccoli instead.

Salmon is not my favorite food, but it was seasoned well and I squeezed a lot of lemon on it. And I love lemon. I need Vitamin D added in my diet and Salmon is full of Vitamin D.

I wrote a post earlier about how Mom makes me feel with her rude comments. She really is a good person but sometimes she doesn't conceive the depth of how her words wound me. That will be my problem writing this blog. I will have to careful not to be too revealing because I have a family member who finds my blogs and reads them and then tells Mom what I said. I struggle with that. It really makes me mad.

And some of John's sister's read my blogs and it makes me mad. I try not to let them get to me.

If I have sites with invited readers only, then I leave people out may read them, but don't leave comments. I really don't want to do that.

I wish it was easier. But I have to be true to myself. My feelings are my feelings and they are important. So I guess I do it my way. I will just be careful.

I hope everyone is doing good tonight. I have been crazy busy this week but this weekend I will have a few recipes to post.

xoxo Nita

Time to Take Control..

A horrible incident happened to me when I was 8 years old that changed me.

As a result of that incident, I began to eat. And, looking back now, I see that I used eating as a form of protection.

How many people have done that I wonder?

I am 43 years old. And I have dieted for most of my life.

I have went as long as 10 years staying on track and being thin, but that was a very long time ago. My goal now, is not so much to get thin, but to get healthy.

I have kept a diary for most of my life and I have looked back to see where I get off track. It is when I am stressed and overwhelmed. I comfort myself with food. I don't want to do that anymore.

I want to take control of my life. I want to eat to live, Not live to eat.

My self esteem has suffered over the years and I really want to feel good about myself. I would like to know if there are others out there who feel this way.

I will not withdraw inside myself anymore.

I am a strong, powerful woman. And I will keep telling myself that until I believe it.

For all of you who have battled your weight all of your life. Let's do this together. I need the company.

I am going to use this site for my journey. I will be posting about my progress, and healthy recipes. I will also add sites that are all about getting healthy. Please e-mail me with any questions or recipes you would like to share.

xoxo Nita

P.s Be encouraged

Today's song, Mustang Sally

1st video, pick a clip

Why are things hidden from us? I never knew that John carried around 2 love letters that I wrote him until I went through his work bag this past week. I saw tear stains on them. And I wondered if he had cried reading them when we were going through rough times.

My face went red reading the words I wrote. They were so raw with emotion and love. I wish he would have told me how much they meant to him. I guess he did by me finding them. But I would have cherished that fact while he was alive, that he carried those with him everyday.

The pages were creased and battered from him opening them and reading them again and again.


I miss him so much

xoxo Nita

I miss you Summer.
You with your flowers and bees. You with blankets under stars.

Summer come soon but not too soon we need all seasons to truly love you.

xoxo Nita

{ photo from my summer collection}

I miss him..This song always reminded me of John. I have worked on the house all day. And I am getting ready to start cooking tomorrow. My heart is not in it, but I am going to do it for my kids. They need me to cook and try to make things as normal as possible.

That in itself is a gift. To not show sorrow when all I want to do is stay in bed until Christmas is over. It floors me, Christmas. It was his season. He loved the Christmas music and all the festivities that went along with it.

But I am going to do this for the kids. Wishing you all a lovely Christmas and sending you love.

xoxo Nita

This is an artist named Ari Hest, the song is: Bird Never Flies.
I had only heard about him a few months ago but I love, love his voice. It is as smooth as honey.

Comforting to the soul...

I have been working on the house and working on a story. I have thought a lot about poetry lately. I need some good poetry books to read. I saw a poet I want to learn more about. I have her name written down somewhere... I am going to the library tomorrow to check out some of her works.


Poetry has always been dear to my heart, I have written books full of poetry but have always been way to shy to post any of it. I began to write it in grade school.

My surgery is rapidly approaching and I am having more peace about it. I have dreamed about John the last two nights. It was comforting. Some days I get really down after I have dreamed about him. But today I tried to stay positive.

The hardest part of it all is the loss of his presence. The complete total knowing that I will never see him here again. That is brutal. After being with him for 22 years, it is hard to accept.

This song reminds me of him. He was not a person to give up on me easily. He actually never gave up on me..He always said he took the marriage vows seriously and that anything could be worked out. I agreed with him. But there were tough times in our marriage, just like anyone.

But I had the assurance of his love. That is missed.

I hope you are all having a good week. Does everyone have their tree up? And their cookies baked?

xoxo Nita