Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I miss him..This song always reminded me of John. I have worked on the house all day. And I am getting ready to start cooking tomorrow. My heart is not in it, but I am going to do it for my kids. They need me to cook and try to make things as normal as possible.

That in itself is a gift. To not show sorrow when all I want to do is stay in bed until Christmas is over. It floors me, Christmas. It was his season. He loved the Christmas music and all the festivities that went along with it.

But I am going to do this for the kids. Wishing you all a lovely Christmas and sending you love.

xoxo Nita

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

This is an artist named Ari Hest, the song is: Bird Never Flies.
I had only heard about him a few months ago but I love, love his voice. It is as smooth as honey.

Comforting to the soul...

I have been working on the house and working on a story. I have thought a lot about poetry lately. I need some good poetry books to read. I saw a poet I want to learn more about. I have her name written down somewhere... I am going to the library tomorrow to check out some of her works.

Poetry has always been dear to my heart, I have written books full of poetry but have always been way to shy to post any of it. I began to write it in grade school.

My surgery is rapidly approaching and I am having more peace about it. I have dreamed about John the last two nights. It was comforting. Some days I get really down after I have dreamed about him. But today I tried to stay positive.

The hardest part of it all is the loss of his presence. The complete total knowing that I will never see him here again. That is brutal. After being with him for 22 years, it is hard to accept.

This song reminds me of him. He was not a person to give up on me easily. He actually never gave up on me..He always said he took the marriage vows seriously and that anything could be worked out. I agreed with him. But there were tough times in our marriage, just like anyone.

But I had the assurance of his love. That is missed.

I hope you are all having a good week. Does everyone have their tree up? And their cookies baked?

xoxo Nita

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I have been praying about converting to Catholicism for about 3 years. I decided a few days ago to do it. I went in to talk to Father Justin this afternoon. My classes don't begin until June because they already have classes going and are only half through them. I want to do it from the beginning.

I feel peace about doing this. At my old church I felt worse when I left then when I got there. I am very ready to serve God with my whole heart.

John would be so happy that I am doing this. I am not just doing it for that reason. I have always felt very drawn by the Catholic religion. There is something about it that comforts me.

Elizabeth and I have been very sad the past few days. It is our first Thanksgiving without John. This time last year I was with him at the hospital. We had a good time just being together. I miss him ..I send you all good Thanksgiving Wishes..

love, Nita

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I went through John's dresser tonight for the first time since he broke his neck. It has been 14 months that he was here. 14 months that he has been in our home. That hardly seems possible to me.

I found a stack of love letters that I had wrote to him over the years in his second dresser drawer. I cried as I read each one. I miss him so much.

I felt so touched that he had kept the letters and cards I had given him over the years. I loved him so much. There were so many things we had wanted to do over the years that we never got to do. Sometimes I feel ripped off. But I am happy that I got the time I had with him. I cherish every kiss, every cares, every single moment I spent with him.

He worked for us, took care of me and our kids. In my notes I always expressed gratefulness to him for his love and for taking care of us. I am so glad I did that. This time of year is so hard to me.
I am sorry I haven't visited much over the last month. It seems like I am still broken but I am trying to get mended.

xoxo Nita

Saturday, November 15, 2008

There are things I never write about about. I might someday but not now. I believe that each person has parts of their lives where they struggle. A private hell. A thorn in their side.

How do you deal with it? I deal with it by praying and praying. I just put it in God's Hands, and when I can't take things anymore I go for a ride, or ride my exercise bike. I work on things.

I worked on the house some more today. I drew some plans on how I want to take 2 of my old dressers and use them to store my art supplies. I am going to paint the dressers and put some pretty shelf paper in the bottom of each drawer and then put my stuff in them.

I cleaned out the utility room late last night. I organized the shelves and it looks a lot better. I am going to work on one room everyday until I get it done the way I want it.

I may have to visit you guys tomorrow night and Monday night because that is how much work I am getting done.

Sending everyone love, Nita

Friday, November 14, 2008

I cleaned out my closet today. I took clothes I will never wear again and bagged them up. I am taking them to the Salvation Army tomorrow.

I am also going to clean out my cabinets and take my pots and pans I don't use there too.

This time of year a lot of people are looking for things to wear and to use.
I have an extra coat I am going to take there tomorrow too.

I have really been praying about what God wants me to do with the rest of my life. This past Friday I went with my Sunday School class and we boxed up donations of Bibles and Christian books to be sent overseas. They are going to Africa and India.

The guy who runs the operation says that between 600 to 700 people will read one book. It will be shared until it falls apart. It really got me to thinking how many books I have laying around that are not being read, and I should donate them to places where they will be utilized.

I watch the Catholic channel every day, and there was a program on this week about how we should be conservative with what God has given us. Be mindful and self-controlled with our spending. The speaker, an Englishman, went on to say how we must stop raping God's creation. To quit wasting and using up our world for our materialistic wants.

It got me right in the heart..

How much stuff do I hoard that I don't use? I pondered that question for 2 days.

He said that hoarding was a sin. That for one thing the clutter causes great unhappiness and the stuff we hoard could be given to those who need it.

It really made me cry. And I thought, "My God, I have been hoarding things for years. Things that I thought I would use again someday.
But, Godly sorrow leads to repentance, that is what it says in the Bible.

And that was why I began to write a list of things that I would never use again. I took a long honest look at my spending habits and my things I have hoarded. And decided to change.

I got a notebook out and wrote out my goals for the next several years. (Hopefully the Lord lets me live) I wrote out strategies for my spending. I allotted certain things to still be purchased, but I want to use my time and money in a thoughtful and Godly manner.

I am determined to change for the best with God's help.

Sending you all love, Nita

tonights song, Shackles by Mary Mary
a powerfully awesome song that makes me feel wonderful...
1st song, 1st clip

P.s. i am going to get my visiting caught up this weekend.. love you guys.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

John had this energy that was amazing. We loved dancing and we danced a lot the first few years we started dating. I remember him in Levis and a white dress shirt with the first 3 buttons undone.

I couldn't take my eyes off him. My eyes longed to see him. I have never felt that way about anybody. I felt shaky around him for years. And my heart still skipped a beat around him when I saw him.

I never wanted to love someone so completely because I knew if I did how much it would hurt if something happened.

But I am glad I loved him that much. I am glad I got to experience a love that made me crazy and mad and excited and all the emotions a person could possible feel.

This is a song we use to dance to. I loved it..

Today I have missed him so much. I haven't been able to quit thinking about him.

I have been thinking about taking a small trip before my surgery..I have to decide where to. Even if I go to the city and stay the night with some friends would be wonderful. It would be good medicine to be able to get out of here.

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight, my favorite show..
And I so relate to Izzy. How she is not able to get over Denny. But I don't see John.

I thought about how many similarities we had. How we loved the same things. A love like that does not come around twice in a lifetime. No matter how messed up he was at times I loved him and he loved me.

He believed in marriage until death do you part. But even after death it is hard for me to let him go..

I was thinking today, "He knew me better than anyone has ever known me."

I want to thank you all for hanging in with me..

I know tomorrow I am going to get some work done.

tonight's song, And We Danced by the Hooters

1st video, 2nd clip

Monday, November 10, 2008

I took these photos last week. I love yellow it is my second favorite color. My first is red.

This is a little carriage house. It sits beside a huge Victorian here in town. Sadly, the Victorian was bought by some people who have let it go to ruin. A few years ago it was one of the prettiest houses in town.

I found these trees down the street from me. I had a lot of fun taking these photos. I tried to capture some falling leaves but wasn't able to..Maybe next time.

Red berry bush..How lovely to me. I would love to have Holly bushes planted all around my house because they are green all year round and have beautiful red berries in the Winter.
I wanted to lay on the ground and take photos of this tree from that position but changed my mind..LoL I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get up.

God will lead us to the dead end, because all we can do then, is look up.

I found this quote written on a paper I had tucked into one of my books.

And found another book with these quotes in them:

When God brings you through your trials you shall have a story to tell.

For everyone that asks receives; and he that seeks finds; and to him that knocks it shall be opened.
Luke 11:10

But without FAITH it is impossible to please Him: for he that comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.
Hebrews 11:6

My operation is set for December 12. I have to be there at 6:00 a.m.

December 3 I have to go and get pre-operation tests and speak to the doctor.

I feel like everywhere I have been turning lately I have been finding scriptures and words of comfort. They are like a warm blanket wrapped around my shoulders. Thank you all for your prayers. Sending you hope tonight...

xoxo Nita

Tonight's song, New Soul ..
1st video, 1st clip

love this song..

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I just got home from my appointment. We went out to eat afterwards at the Olive Garden.

I have 2 fibroid cysts the size of baseballs on each ovary. The doctor took a blood test to see if there is a chance for them to turn cancerous. I find out the result of that test on Monday.

He wants to schedule me for an operation as soon as possible.

I broke down and cried like a big baby. Mainly because John was always there to help me. He never left my side when I had an operation. I need him here now.

I have always been afraid of surgery. I hate the feeling of being put to sleep. I don't know if my Mom will go with me or not. I need Mom to be there too...

My sister said she would stay with me until I get out of the hospital.

I never wanted to go through this again, now I am here..

When I had my hysterectomy 10 years ago I was 32, and I told my doctor at that time to take everything. But he didn't, he left the ovaries.

He said it was because I needed my own ovaries to produce the hormones I needed. Now I will have to go under the knife because he decided what to do with me instead of listening to me.

I will have to have hormone therapy now.

I have prayed and prayed about this and I just need peace.

I want to ask those of you who believe in prayer to pray for me. I need it right now more than ever. And please pray for my kids they are scared. I have to be brave for them. If I show fear they will be more afraid.

Sending you all love, Nita

This is a song that John always sang to me when I was scared..